I committed to the single life a little over two years ago telling myself that it was only until I was ready for a relationship again. As time has gone by the idea of being in a meaningful relationship, as in the type where you at least live together, seems further and further away. Everything about It is just so complicated with all the decisions about who is a priority and what do you do on holidays and special occasions. As I was thinking this over I realized that narcissistic people really have an edge when it comes to relationships after a divorce for three key reasons.
The first reason is that their frame of reference or basis from which to make a decision is very simple. They do what is best for them at that period of time. There is no analyzing, no thinking about duty, no internal conflict because of divided loyalties, and no concerns about potential outcomes and how it affects others. Even writing that makes me envious. I have made the effort to know more about what I want and to do what is best for me more of the time but it is generally not easy, and the real result is I just avoid situations if I can if it means I have to make choices. The narcissistic people I know make those choices easily and easily display their anger when others don’t agree which leads us to the second reason.
The second reason is that narcissists have an edge is that they don’t take blame or feel guilt. They know what others should be doing to make them happy. If they don’t do it then it is not their fault and they proceed with their plans. I remember that I started to detest Christmas because of the choices that had to be made about who I spent time with and where I went. I generally sided with what was best for my children and what I considered to be my family. However I would always also try to do my best to balance things out and spend time with my ex girlfriend and her son. The net result was that I never really pleased anyone and I felt miserable through the whole holiday period. In fact once I was once so overwhelmed I essentially just ran away and spent the day by myself. I actually may have liked that Christmas better than any others! I don’t think narcissists have this kind of internal conflict.
The third reason, and I consider this to be a big one, is that narcissists have no hesitation about manipulating others for their personal gain, and of course this includes using guilt as a weapon. I remember once when my ex girlfriend’s son really realized who I was and that his Mother and Father were not getting back together he started crying. Without hesitation she was able to ask him if he wanted her to be happy or not. I had long ago decided that I would never use guilt as a weapon to the point that I have caused some frustration with my children. Sometimes they said they would just like me to say what I want them to do. I generally don’t do that except in one area. My ex wife had an affair with a narcissist who had acted like a family friend for 10 years and now they are married. When situations arise in which all of us (my ex wife, my children and I) are doing nothing but accommodating his needs I feel that it is my duty to point that out. I mean, after all, the narcissists can’t always get their way!