For no particular reason I started thinking about the problem with language the other day and how difficult it is to convey meaning. I think when I first met my Narcissistic ex girlfriend we probably used the same language about what we wanted. We would have both said that we wanted a “close” relationship with someone with whom we truly felt “connected”.
The only problem was that I didn’t know that close and connected meant that I would literally have my soul sucked out of me until I no longer resembled the man I used to be. I have also realized now how that relationship has forever changed me.
Let me give you an example. The other day I was chatting online with a woman and she admitted that she had high expectations. I didn’t know exactly what she meant but my initial reaction was to run for the hills. I have the same reaction when I hear a woman say that she wants to be cherished or know that she is special and a priority.
Of course I should not take those words as far as I do and I should take the time to ask more questions but I seldom do. It really is funny how our life experiences impact our future behavior. I don’t think it is just me either. I have listened to women complain about dating guys in their 50’s and a common theme is that we just don’t seem to care. When asked I usually tell them that is probably accurate. All relationships take effort but if the fuel tank is close to empty it probably won’t happen.
To be fair women obviously can also be affected by past experiences. I remember a woman once that was listening to my ex girlfriend complain. Her response was that if she found someone that did not beat her or cheat on her she would be happy.
It is hard to say what the answer is. We cannot be blind to what we have experienced but we can’t lose hope either. In fact I read once that second marriages happen when hope overcomes experience. I guess that is probably true.