I remember the first time I fell in love. I think her name was Becky but I won’t swear to it. We met on a church bus trip and she was from a nearby town. We talked for a bit and I was enamored and then she took a drink from what must have been a jug of water that was being passed around because it was long before anyone in their right mind would pay for water in a bottle. I don’t know what it was about the way she took that drink but I remember it to this day and I was in love. I don’t remember anything else about that trip. We never saw each other again but maybe Becky is reading this right now and remembers falling in love with some kid that was staring at her as she drank from a jug of water. If so then give me a shout and we will upgrade and share a bottle of water.
It is not quite that easy to fall in love now. Oh sure I have been in love since then but now I am getting to the point where I am worried that I know too much. Maybe taking that vow 3 years ago to remain single after my 5 tumultuous years with my ex Narcissistic girlfriend was a mistake but I felt I needed the time to figure things out.
Well there are a lot of resources out there to be read about love and what it is and isn’t and about relationships and why second marriages fail and on and on and on. I have learned a lot but I am not convinced that it has done me any good.
For example I learned that I am a rescuer and that is bad. Well the knight slayed the dragon and got the princess didn’t he? Okay I won’t be a rescuer anymore.
I also learned that I should be perfectly happy being alone before being in a relationship. But that doesn’t make any sense. If I was perfectly happy being alone why would I want to be in a relationship? It sure does seem like a lot of people that are unhappy are looking for relationships. Maybe I should try to get them to read the articles about how they have to be happy first.
Finally I learned that most people get into relationships because they are completing unfinished business from their past. Well okay, yep, I did that too and unfortunately I now know again that you really can’t make a Narcissist happy and that relationships can turn into power struggles until one person is beaten down. I knew that I suppose the first time when I was an observant pre Becky child but had neither the inclination nor the vocabulary to express it.
So here I now stand so much wiser and informed. But how do I find this thing called love? Maybe I should keep my eyes out for women taking drinks out of water jugs. Well shoot. Nobody does that anymore. I guess I will keep reading.