I think I want to be a narcissist 

I am tired of being codependent. I am going to do a complete makeover and become a narcissist.  Now all I have to do is find which classes I should take so I can become a narcissist and start life fresh!

I guess there are a few reasons for this. I will try to hit the key ones. 

First I want to make others conform to what I want. Of course the first step is figuring out what I want other people to do exactly. Sometimes that can be a little fuzzy for me. Not so the narcissist. They seem to know exactly what they want from others. It doesn’t seem like it is a very long and well thought out process either. Look at how well Trump, probably one of the most famous narcissists, gets what he wants. He doesn’t do a lot of soul searching or rely on political consultants. He just knows. By the way why haven’t his political opponents been playing up his narcissistic characteristics and using psychiatrists to explain how harmful it would be for the country to have a narcissist in chief. Never mind. I already know the answer. It wouldn’t work. 

Back to my main point. The second reason I want to be a narcissist is that I want to be able to express anger effectively. For my whole life I have suppressed my anger as best I could. The times I have gotten angry I have always regretted it. It doesn’t seem like I say or do the right thing and so I feel silly. Other times my anger turns inward into frustration and then gets expressed in a passive aggressive way so nobody can really figure out  what I am mad at or why I am behaving in a bizarre way. Not so with narcissists. When they get angry it seems like they can yell for an hour straight while also directing it right at their target in a very precise and coherent way. I want to do that also but maybe I will never accomplish that goal. Since I am an introvert I need to take things in and chew on them for a while before figuring out what to say. 

Finally I don’t want to feel guilt or regret anymore. Narcissists at least say they have never felt that way. I can’t even imagine it. I can have things fly into my head all day out of the blue that will give me that pang of regret. Only those that have experienced it know what a pang truly feels like. 

So there you have it. I am kidding of course. Codependent or not I am pretty satisfied with who I am but I am still and will always be a work in progress. We all are if we are in touch with who we are. 

I just thought of this post because of a 10 year battle I have had with a narcissist in my life. I actually could have won that battle if I had pulled out all stops and acted like a narcissist myself. It would have been more thought out rather than spontaneous but I could have used guilt and other forms of manipulation more effectively and told others what I expected and why. I couldn’t help but do some of that because I was in a constant struggle with myself during that whole period but I don’t think I crossed the line of decent human conduct I set for myself. 

I now realize that there is no winning and I am conceding the battle. The cost has just been too great. I suppose it was a battle that I should have realized I would never win. Maybe someday I will share the details in this blog. For now just acceptance that the narcissist usually wins is enough to help me let go.  I guess I just hope that we won’t end up with a narcissist in chief but I am not optimistic about it. 

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